Classified ads are a great place to find people taking liberties with language. People always talk about having a 'Genuine reason for sale'. As opposed to what, an artificial reason? I don't want to be buying a car, ask why it is being sold and have the man go, 'Well, next week I'm moving to Kazakhstan with Dame Kelly Holmes and our 16 illegitimate children. I don't need the car; we're riding there on a cart pulled by Red Rum and Shergar'.
The problem with those adverts is that you have a limited number of words, so short, familiar phrases like this are used. These limitations causes further problems. The best advert I ever saw was in a cycling magazine. I think it was advertising a bike, although it could have been the Virgin Mary. It started off alright, a couple of lines describing the bike. Then it said, 'Genuine reason for sale. Never ridden, wife is pregnant'.
I rang him up anyway, because I was interested in buying a bike. He said 'have you got anywhere to put it?' - I said 'Well I've got room in the stable, I suppose'.
It frightens me just how many uses of the word 'fuck' there somehow happens to be. But how is it actually possible to 'shut the fuck up?' What, exactly, is the 'fuck' in this context? It could only be some sort of German suitcase manufacturer I've never heard of. As in:
'Right, darling, so I've packed the clothes, the suncream and the travellers' cheques. What should I do now?'
'Oh, just shut the fuck up, will you?!'
'Okay, done that, now what?'
'Now get the fuck out of here!'
That could work, I guess.
People go on about how friends, couples and partners apparently get on 'like a house on fire'. Well excuse me. I've watched the news - I've seen houses on fire. I happen to know that's not an experience you'd be happy to replicate. It doesn't work the other way round though. People don't go, 'Well, my house burnt down like a very cute couple'.
I suppose its something about the metaphorical 'heat' or 'sparks' that two people experience when they are together.
Anyway, I knew a guy who was going out with this quite wonderful girl who people said that about, and I was really, really jealous of him. Even I joined in however, saying that they were just like a house on fire. And I suppose I was right to say so, because she was hot and he asphyxiated to death in his sleep.
The court case hasn't come up yet and anyway, I have an alibi.
Thursday 26 November 2009
Sunday 15 November 2009
Ranthology #1 - Standards.
I hate how people abbreviate TV programmes to just one word. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is just 'Millionaire', Coronation Street is just 'Corrie', Strictly Come Dancing is just...bollocks.
It is though.
The one that irritates me the most though is Deal or no Deal. Just four short words and you can't be arsed even with those? So people shorten it to just 'Deal'. Even the continuity announcer on Channel 4 does it:
'Now on Channel 4, it's time for Deal'.
This confused me the first time I heard it, because I thought they'd just changed the rules.
Sort of, '22 boxes, a quarter of a million pounds, just one question. 'Deal?'
That seems like an unnecessarily harsh version of the programme, I mean I know there's a credit crunch on and all, but...That's not even the same show anymore, just Noel Edmonds going, 'Right, we're going to give you a tenner, and you can take it and you can fuck off. - go on, get out of here'.
The same drop in standards can be seen everywhere. Even in supermarkets. You go into Tesco now and you're supposed to do your own checkouts. That's bad enough, but they also expect you to take your own bags every time you go shopping - and you should, by the way.
These things wouldn't be so bad on their own, but put them together and it causes problems. Typical scenario:
You go into Tesco - with your bags - pick up a basket and go round the shop putting stuff into the basket. You come to the checkouts, you put your basket on one side, put your bags on the other side, put your stuff through the scanner. You're just about to put the first item into your bag and the machine does this:
'Unexpected item in bagging area. Unexpected item in bagging area.'
And you find yourself going - UNEXPECTED? IT'S A BAG! IT'S A BAG, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I mean, of all the things you would expect to find, in a bagging area, I'd have thought that a bag would be pretty high up on the list. If you'd had said to me you'd put a traffic cone on there, maybe, I don't know, the head of a crocodile and Barack Obama's left testicle, then yeah, I'd have said that was unexpected as well.
It'd also be a bit...weird. For one thing, how did they scan through?
It's fine though, because I've started getting my own back on them. You know how, each time you shop and re-use a bag, you get a Clubcard point? Well, that's really worked out for me, because I now do all of my shopping one item at a time. I now have enough Clubcard points to actually buy Tesco, which is nice.
It is though.
The one that irritates me the most though is Deal or no Deal. Just four short words and you can't be arsed even with those? So people shorten it to just 'Deal'. Even the continuity announcer on Channel 4 does it:
'Now on Channel 4, it's time for Deal'.
This confused me the first time I heard it, because I thought they'd just changed the rules.
Sort of, '22 boxes, a quarter of a million pounds, just one question. 'Deal?'
That seems like an unnecessarily harsh version of the programme, I mean I know there's a credit crunch on and all, but...That's not even the same show anymore, just Noel Edmonds going, 'Right, we're going to give you a tenner, and you can take it and you can fuck off. - go on, get out of here'.
The same drop in standards can be seen everywhere. Even in supermarkets. You go into Tesco now and you're supposed to do your own checkouts. That's bad enough, but they also expect you to take your own bags every time you go shopping - and you should, by the way.
These things wouldn't be so bad on their own, but put them together and it causes problems. Typical scenario:
You go into Tesco - with your bags - pick up a basket and go round the shop putting stuff into the basket. You come to the checkouts, you put your basket on one side, put your bags on the other side, put your stuff through the scanner. You're just about to put the first item into your bag and the machine does this:
'Unexpected item in bagging area. Unexpected item in bagging area.'
And you find yourself going - UNEXPECTED? IT'S A BAG! IT'S A BAG, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I mean, of all the things you would expect to find, in a bagging area, I'd have thought that a bag would be pretty high up on the list. If you'd had said to me you'd put a traffic cone on there, maybe, I don't know, the head of a crocodile and Barack Obama's left testicle, then yeah, I'd have said that was unexpected as well.
It'd also be a bit...weird. For one thing, how did they scan through?
It's fine though, because I've started getting my own back on them. You know how, each time you shop and re-use a bag, you get a Clubcard point? Well, that's really worked out for me, because I now do all of my shopping one item at a time. I now have enough Clubcard points to actually buy Tesco, which is nice.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)