Saturday, 30 October 2010
Thursday, 7 January 2010
my top 10 sports moments of 2009 - plus some youtube links.
This collection of sporting moments tries to supercede some of the obvious and go for what made compulsive viewing/listening/reading (it happened) in 2009 from my own perspective. Some, like Bolt's unstoppable wins in Berlin, were too big to ignore; others are unlikely to grace many 'Best of...' lists, unless you have some extremely specific parameters for them. All of these encompass the 'you remember where you were...' factor that great moments exude; all were twined with the uncertainty, the tension and that little bit of magic that makes sport so compelling. Generally speaking, the events are Brit/English/club-centric, as they capture those times when rooting for your home team makes the moment all the more important, others transcend the need to take national or local sides.
-Burnley win promotion to the Premier League (1)
For personal attachment, nothing can come close to the moment that Burnley secured their return to the top flight of English football by winning the Championship play-off final against Sheffield Utd. This I watched on the TV in a pub in Oxford, about a week before my final exams, so a much-needed relief was in order. Wade Elliot provided it with a stunning strike in the first half - worthy of winning any football match - followed by an hour of tension as the 1-0 scoreline was maintained. That made it extra-special in a way, having to go through that knowing the win was so close but so easily snatched away. Eventually we held out and the celebrations could start. But not for me as I had revising to do. I got a 2:1, thanks for asking :)
-Bradley Wiggins ascends Mont Ventoux to secure Tour de France fourth (2)
For the definitive 'moment', I constrained myself to pick one stage of Wiggo's epic 2009 Tour de France. It could have been the stage to Andorra-Arcalis, where he announced himself as a contender by finishing in the Armstrong/Schleck group, or the climb to Verbier where he actually attacked and beat Armstrong to the summit. Instead I went for the iconic penultimate stage to Mont Ventoux, where Wiggins was understandably hanging on with every ounce of determination and then some, to drag himself over the line with seconds to spare to hang on to his fourth place overall.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWAjG5ndebo
While searching for videos for this I found one where he pushes a spectator out of his way - nice work, Brad!
-Jessica Ennis wins World Athletics heptathlon (3)
Again, I hasten to define a moment as being two days of competition. Perhaps if I had to pin it down it would be seeing Jess split 28 seconds at 200m for her 800m (and 60s at 400m), quicker than the heats of the actual women's 800m (see the vid). But that first day performance was immense; a dominant marker laid down in her strongest events, a PB in a weaker one (the shot put) set up a magic two days for the Sheffield star. Those who followed the sport knew it was coming for a while, those who didn't probably do now, thanks to her.
-Jenson Button wins for Brawn GP in Australia (4)
Again, this was a toss up between the drive that ended it all - the stunning champion's performance in Brazil - or the one which kicked off his world title season. In the end, I decided that the pole and victory in Australia was the stand out moment for me, just because of the relatively unexpected nature of the win- I say relatively because Brawn and his team were convinced all along they had a race-winning car, times in tests backed this up, and pole in Oz proved it. And of course the sheer romance of the occasion, which wore off a bit after 6 wins in 7 races.
-Usain Bolt runs 19.19 200m WR in Berlin (5)
Stunning. That's all anyone can truly say about Usain Bolt's 200m world record. Of course, all anyone actually talks about is the 100m record. But when Bolt set his 100m record in Beijing he was slowing down; showboating. We all knew he could run faster. His 200m run in the Bird's Nest was supposedly Bolt at his limit, straining to beat a supposedly unbeatable record, which he managed by 0.02 seconds. To see him, therefore, take over a tenth off that time in Berlin defied belief - he even said he was tired beforehand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EiPCfPROtE
-Phillips Idowu wins triple jump World Championships (6)
We've waited, like Jonathan Edwards has in BBC commentary, to say this; Philips Idowu is a World Champion. Well, he was already one, after all he won the indoor title with what still is his longest legal jump, indoors or out. But the outdoor title was the big one. In the context of his self-perceived Olympic 'failure' (where he won silver) this was massive. The outdoor lifetime best he produced to win the gold was one of those leap-from-your-seat moments (anyone who watches sport at home will attest to the existence of those) - from the split second he landed from the step phase and launched himself towards the pit it looked good. His great rival Evora couldn't respond even in the final round, the vaguely anti-climatic moment where victory is assured by another man's failure, not by the final word of the victor. But no matter. A popular champion was made.
-Mark Cavendish wins Milan-Sanremo (7)
Never mind the 6 wins in the Tour de France - they, to some extent, were expected. Everyone knew the competition was not up to scratch over a flat stage with the Columbia lead-out train and Cav to finish it off, like a striker tapping an exquisite cross into an open net (not to denigrate his success, he's put in that position because he is the best). But Milan-Sanremo was a different beast; the longest one-day race on the calendar, short, tough climbs to contend with near the end, plus the lack of prior experience led many to dismiss Cavendish's chances outright. And when Heinrich Haussler took off from the bunch that remained into the finish in Sanremo, it looked as though Cav would have to wait another year. But not so.
I 'followed' the race on cyclingnews.com's live online text coverage, so sitting there pressing F5 is perhaps not the most dramatic way to learn the outcome of a sporting, but the satisfaction I gleaned from reading the words of a Cavendish win was surprisingly immense.
-Hayley Yelling wins 2009 European Cross Country Championships (8)
It was the year of the comeback. Except this one wasn't really supposed to happen. While Armstrong, Watson and (nearly) Schumacher held down the fort for the old guard and dominated the sports headlines, the gutsy but quite clearly retired runner Yelling was merely 'keeping fit'. Tempted out of retirement to run the Liverpool Cross Challenge, she won, thereby qualifying for the upcoming Europeanns in Dublin. Yelling set off at the front, out alone by five seconds, as she headed a pack of talented runners all looking round at each other. Unfazed and unperturbed, Yelling ploughed her lone furrow out in the lead, that strong and all-encompassing running action never wavering. Commentators Cram and Foster actually started to believe she could win - that it came about a kilometre from the finish was no matter to those sat at home who always held it. Truly inspirational performance.
(Sorry, no vid)
-Russell Downing wins Tour of Ireland (9)
In which David slays Goliath, albeit in Ireland. Having been denied victory in 2008 by ruthless Team Columbia teamwork, Russell Downing was out to make amends. The Yorkshireman, who races mainly in Britain for a small domestic team, took on the might of some top European squads with headline-grabbing riders. While opponents in Ireland, Lance Armstrong and Mark Cavendish, were traversing France in the highest profile race in the world in July, Downing was mopping up wins in decidedly unglamarous places like Colne in Lancashire. It started with a win from a breakaway group on stage 1, and he held the yellow jersey going into the third and final day. The race finished in atrocious weather in Cork, with two ascents of St. Patrick's Hill in the town to contend with. This was too much for many, including Armstrong, who decided that there were many places he'd rather be than on a bike up a 25% gradient, in the pouring rain. Downing was isolated in a group of favourites at the front, and having been subjected to every attack the others could throw at him, launched a tour-winning counter attack. A much-deserved crack at the big time with the new Team Sky followed.
-Scotland beat Australia at Murrayfield (10)
The highlight of a rather drab Autumn International series, the Scots defended like hell for nearly the entire eighty minutes. There were about only three times Scotland made it over the Aussie's 10m line, and they resulted in three three-pointers; two penalties and a late drop goal. Australia's lone penalty score meant that only a converted try would do in the last few minutes, (one they should have had much earlier but for a mixture of mistakes and last-ditch tackling). Gold-and-green forward were camped on the Scottish try line in overtime, but they could not find a way through. Eventually, numbers told out wide and Cross, well, crossed over near the corner for five points. However, that gave the underperforming Matt Giteau a tough kick to win the game, and when it sailed wide, the Scots were rewarded with a heroic victory that demanded applause from everyone, no matter who you support.
missing the cut...(in no order)
England win the Ashes.
Roger Federer wins French Open and career Grand Slam.
Andy Murray defeats Stanislas Wawrinka under the lights at Wimbledon.
Dai Greene runs 48.24 for 400mH in Berlin semifinal.
Jenny Meadows 800m bronze.
GB men ride 2nd fastest team pursuit/women team pursuit WR.
Tom Watson *almost* winning the 2009 Open Championship.
-Burnley win promotion to the Premier League (1)
For personal attachment, nothing can come close to the moment that Burnley secured their return to the top flight of English football by winning the Championship play-off final against Sheffield Utd. This I watched on the TV in a pub in Oxford, about a week before my final exams, so a much-needed relief was in order. Wade Elliot provided it with a stunning strike in the first half - worthy of winning any football match - followed by an hour of tension as the 1-0 scoreline was maintained. That made it extra-special in a way, having to go through that knowing the win was so close but so easily snatched away. Eventually we held out and the celebrations could start. But not for me as I had revising to do. I got a 2:1, thanks for asking :)
-Bradley Wiggins ascends Mont Ventoux to secure Tour de France fourth (2)
For the definitive 'moment', I constrained myself to pick one stage of Wiggo's epic 2009 Tour de France. It could have been the stage to Andorra-Arcalis, where he announced himself as a contender by finishing in the Armstrong/Schleck group, or the climb to Verbier where he actually attacked and beat Armstrong to the summit. Instead I went for the iconic penultimate stage to Mont Ventoux, where Wiggins was understandably hanging on with every ounce of determination and then some, to drag himself over the line with seconds to spare to hang on to his fourth place overall.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CWAjG5ndebo
While searching for videos for this I found one where he pushes a spectator out of his way - nice work, Brad!
-Jessica Ennis wins World Athletics heptathlon (3)
Again, I hasten to define a moment as being two days of competition. Perhaps if I had to pin it down it would be seeing Jess split 28 seconds at 200m for her 800m (and 60s at 400m), quicker than the heats of the actual women's 800m (see the vid). But that first day performance was immense; a dominant marker laid down in her strongest events, a PB in a weaker one (the shot put) set up a magic two days for the Sheffield star. Those who followed the sport knew it was coming for a while, those who didn't probably do now, thanks to her.
-Jenson Button wins for Brawn GP in Australia (4)
Again, this was a toss up between the drive that ended it all - the stunning champion's performance in Brazil - or the one which kicked off his world title season. In the end, I decided that the pole and victory in Australia was the stand out moment for me, just because of the relatively unexpected nature of the win- I say relatively because Brawn and his team were convinced all along they had a race-winning car, times in tests backed this up, and pole in Oz proved it. And of course the sheer romance of the occasion, which wore off a bit after 6 wins in 7 races.
-Usain Bolt runs 19.19 200m WR in Berlin (5)
Stunning. That's all anyone can truly say about Usain Bolt's 200m world record. Of course, all anyone actually talks about is the 100m record. But when Bolt set his 100m record in Beijing he was slowing down; showboating. We all knew he could run faster. His 200m run in the Bird's Nest was supposedly Bolt at his limit, straining to beat a supposedly unbeatable record, which he managed by 0.02 seconds. To see him, therefore, take over a tenth off that time in Berlin defied belief - he even said he was tired beforehand.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9EiPCfPROtE
-Phillips Idowu wins triple jump World Championships (6)
We've waited, like Jonathan Edwards has in BBC commentary, to say this; Philips Idowu is a World Champion. Well, he was already one, after all he won the indoor title with what still is his longest legal jump, indoors or out. But the outdoor title was the big one. In the context of his self-perceived Olympic 'failure' (where he won silver) this was massive. The outdoor lifetime best he produced to win the gold was one of those leap-from-your-seat moments (anyone who watches sport at home will attest to the existence of those) - from the split second he landed from the step phase and launched himself towards the pit it looked good. His great rival Evora couldn't respond even in the final round, the vaguely anti-climatic moment where victory is assured by another man's failure, not by the final word of the victor. But no matter. A popular champion was made.
-Mark Cavendish wins Milan-Sanremo (7)
Never mind the 6 wins in the Tour de France - they, to some extent, were expected. Everyone knew the competition was not up to scratch over a flat stage with the Columbia lead-out train and Cav to finish it off, like a striker tapping an exquisite cross into an open net (not to denigrate his success, he's put in that position because he is the best). But Milan-Sanremo was a different beast; the longest one-day race on the calendar, short, tough climbs to contend with near the end, plus the lack of prior experience led many to dismiss Cavendish's chances outright. And when Heinrich Haussler took off from the bunch that remained into the finish in Sanremo, it looked as though Cav would have to wait another year. But not so.
I 'followed' the race on cyclingnews.com's live online text coverage, so sitting there pressing F5 is perhaps not the most dramatic way to learn the outcome of a sporting, but the satisfaction I gleaned from reading the words of a Cavendish win was surprisingly immense.
-Hayley Yelling wins 2009 European Cross Country Championships (8)
It was the year of the comeback. Except this one wasn't really supposed to happen. While Armstrong, Watson and (nearly) Schumacher held down the fort for the old guard and dominated the sports headlines, the gutsy but quite clearly retired runner Yelling was merely 'keeping fit'. Tempted out of retirement to run the Liverpool Cross Challenge, she won, thereby qualifying for the upcoming Europeanns in Dublin. Yelling set off at the front, out alone by five seconds, as she headed a pack of talented runners all looking round at each other. Unfazed and unperturbed, Yelling ploughed her lone furrow out in the lead, that strong and all-encompassing running action never wavering. Commentators Cram and Foster actually started to believe she could win - that it came about a kilometre from the finish was no matter to those sat at home who always held it. Truly inspirational performance.
(Sorry, no vid)
-Russell Downing wins Tour of Ireland (9)
In which David slays Goliath, albeit in Ireland. Having been denied victory in 2008 by ruthless Team Columbia teamwork, Russell Downing was out to make amends. The Yorkshireman, who races mainly in Britain for a small domestic team, took on the might of some top European squads with headline-grabbing riders. While opponents in Ireland, Lance Armstrong and Mark Cavendish, were traversing France in the highest profile race in the world in July, Downing was mopping up wins in decidedly unglamarous places like Colne in Lancashire. It started with a win from a breakaway group on stage 1, and he held the yellow jersey going into the third and final day. The race finished in atrocious weather in Cork, with two ascents of St. Patrick's Hill in the town to contend with. This was too much for many, including Armstrong, who decided that there were many places he'd rather be than on a bike up a 25% gradient, in the pouring rain. Downing was isolated in a group of favourites at the front, and having been subjected to every attack the others could throw at him, launched a tour-winning counter attack. A much-deserved crack at the big time with the new Team Sky followed.
-Scotland beat Australia at Murrayfield (10)
The highlight of a rather drab Autumn International series, the Scots defended like hell for nearly the entire eighty minutes. There were about only three times Scotland made it over the Aussie's 10m line, and they resulted in three three-pointers; two penalties and a late drop goal. Australia's lone penalty score meant that only a converted try would do in the last few minutes, (one they should have had much earlier but for a mixture of mistakes and last-ditch tackling). Gold-and-green forward were camped on the Scottish try line in overtime, but they could not find a way through. Eventually, numbers told out wide and Cross, well, crossed over near the corner for five points. However, that gave the underperforming Matt Giteau a tough kick to win the game, and when it sailed wide, the Scots were rewarded with a heroic victory that demanded applause from everyone, no matter who you support.
missing the cut...(in no order)
England win the Ashes.
Roger Federer wins French Open and career Grand Slam.
Andy Murray defeats Stanislas Wawrinka under the lights at Wimbledon.
Dai Greene runs 48.24 for 400mH in Berlin semifinal.
Jenny Meadows 800m bronze.
GB men ride 2nd fastest team pursuit/women team pursuit WR.
Tom Watson *almost* winning the 2009 Open Championship.
Monday, 14 December 2009
Why I won't be getting the Rage this Christmas.
Now, I'm nobody's Simon Cowell fan, but I'm starting to think that the latest anti-X Factor/Syco (pronounced as 'Psycho' rather than my choice of 'Sicko', either way it's no win) protest is as predictable as it is tiresome. I'm not exactly bowled over at the prospect of Geordie Joe romping to the Christmas number 1, before the inevitably dull album release and the eventual career on the West End. I even bought into the previous year's Facebook campaign, the one where we were all supposed to go out and buy (actually, sit in and download) Jeff Buckley's version of 'Hallelujah' over the Alexandra Burke version.
But I'm starting to wonder, if there is any time of the year that we should lie down and give in to the crass commercialisation of popular music, then it's Christmas? After all, crass commercialisation is what Christmas has come to be associated with. The charts are likely to be filled with the same Christmas songs that have been doing the rounds for the last however many years. Christmas is the time of the year where people who know nothing about music buy albums for other people who know nothing about music and occasionally not actually from Tesco. Expect the impossibly bland housewives' favourite, Mickey Bubble, or whatever he's called, to be up there in the album charts alongside Lady GaGa and Susan Boyle, an unlikely threesome indeed (in all possible senses of the word). The prospect of the musical puppet McElderry topping the singles chart come the 25th is, in many ways, a perfect microcosm of a society in which we rush round trying to find the latest fad item to hastily wrap for our loved ones on the big day, before being even more hastily discarded/returned with the receipt/consigned to the shed on the 26th.
It is into this melee that the latest Facebook protest has arrived, in the form of Rage Against The Machine's 1992 song 'Killing in the Name', and our supposed purchase thereof. Someone, somewhere has presumably decided this would be incredibly clever to have as a song blaring out of our stereos over Christmas. As a title it is the worst there has been for a Christmas song (as it now is) since The Darkness released one containing 'bells end' in the title (a fact I believe singer Justin Hawkins said he was proud of). More worryingly, the song is dreadful. Seriously dreadful. It is the sort of utter wank that almost certainly influenced the early-noughties rise of nu-metal, and for that reason this song should be left in the vaults of music history and forgotten about.
Championing RATM over Cowell and his charges is exactly the kind of pseudo-edgy thing you'd do if you think rebelling is only buying the Fairtrade chocolate from your local Waitrose. Digging up a song from nearly two decades ago from a hugely successful band and lining their already deep pockets is not, in any way, shape or form, an act of protest - especially given the current bustling, burgeoning and varied UK indie scene producing a stream of great, unheard music (and by indie I mean the plethora of smaller, independent acts likely to be playing your nearest toilet venue and plugging their 7" single on MySpace).
But, say the protesters, it's about Cowell controlling the charts. Yes, he is to some extent, but if the only way to protest is by buying a single specific song which I might not happen to like, thankyouverymuch, then you can keep it. Sorry to say it, but the charts are and will continue dominated by Cowell and the major labels, and have always been. There's little we can do about that, and why would we want to? The charts are not about recognising true talent, they're about who has the biggest marketing budget and can pull a few strings with the radio giants, a two-pronged attack which will inevitably translate into sales. If that is what the protest is against, then I'm sorry, you've lost. Irretrievably so.
So this Christmas, I will be protesting against protesting. That is to say, do nothing at all and just enjoy Christmas for what it is. I invite you to do the same.
But I'm starting to wonder, if there is any time of the year that we should lie down and give in to the crass commercialisation of popular music, then it's Christmas? After all, crass commercialisation is what Christmas has come to be associated with. The charts are likely to be filled with the same Christmas songs that have been doing the rounds for the last however many years. Christmas is the time of the year where people who know nothing about music buy albums for other people who know nothing about music and occasionally not actually from Tesco. Expect the impossibly bland housewives' favourite, Mickey Bubble, or whatever he's called, to be up there in the album charts alongside Lady GaGa and Susan Boyle, an unlikely threesome indeed (in all possible senses of the word). The prospect of the musical puppet McElderry topping the singles chart come the 25th is, in many ways, a perfect microcosm of a society in which we rush round trying to find the latest fad item to hastily wrap for our loved ones on the big day, before being even more hastily discarded/returned with the receipt/consigned to the shed on the 26th.
It is into this melee that the latest Facebook protest has arrived, in the form of Rage Against The Machine's 1992 song 'Killing in the Name', and our supposed purchase thereof. Someone, somewhere has presumably decided this would be incredibly clever to have as a song blaring out of our stereos over Christmas. As a title it is the worst there has been for a Christmas song (as it now is) since The Darkness released one containing 'bells end' in the title (a fact I believe singer Justin Hawkins said he was proud of). More worryingly, the song is dreadful. Seriously dreadful. It is the sort of utter wank that almost certainly influenced the early-noughties rise of nu-metal, and for that reason this song should be left in the vaults of music history and forgotten about.
Championing RATM over Cowell and his charges is exactly the kind of pseudo-edgy thing you'd do if you think rebelling is only buying the Fairtrade chocolate from your local Waitrose. Digging up a song from nearly two decades ago from a hugely successful band and lining their already deep pockets is not, in any way, shape or form, an act of protest - especially given the current bustling, burgeoning and varied UK indie scene producing a stream of great, unheard music (and by indie I mean the plethora of smaller, independent acts likely to be playing your nearest toilet venue and plugging their 7" single on MySpace).
But, say the protesters, it's about Cowell controlling the charts. Yes, he is to some extent, but if the only way to protest is by buying a single specific song which I might not happen to like, thankyouverymuch, then you can keep it. Sorry to say it, but the charts are and will continue dominated by Cowell and the major labels, and have always been. There's little we can do about that, and why would we want to? The charts are not about recognising true talent, they're about who has the biggest marketing budget and can pull a few strings with the radio giants, a two-pronged attack which will inevitably translate into sales. If that is what the protest is against, then I'm sorry, you've lost. Irretrievably so.
So this Christmas, I will be protesting against protesting. That is to say, do nothing at all and just enjoy Christmas for what it is. I invite you to do the same.
Monday, 7 December 2009
Athletics - it's all about the little victories.
Very few will ever get to reach the heights of pulling on the national vest for a major international event. For the rest of us, it's all about those little victories; boosting your profile by scooping up the successes behind the headlines. Here are some handy hints to Officially Make You A Better Athlete (TM):
1. If someone asks for where you are ranked in the country, quote your English ranking instead of your UK one for an instant position hike. You can find out this ranking (and many more) by logging in on the Power of 10 rankings page, or instantly on the TOPS site.
2. Compete in one of many events of varying obscurity. These can be either standard ones like 400m hurdles (of course), steeplechase, pole vault or hammer - mop up those county titles - or non-standard race distances like 300m, 600m or similar. My personal favourite is the 200m hurdles, probably run three or four times a year, followed by the double decathlon (Google it).
3. Race indoors. As a rule of thumb, your UK indoor ranking for a given performance is roughly one order of magnitude better than it would have been had you run the same time outdoors.
4. Why not combine points 2 and 3 and run a rarely-raced distance indoors? National top-ten glory surely awaits.
5. Race in Welsh/Scottish/Irish championships (they're usually open) for a boost to your national champs credentials - and say you've raced in another country as a bonus. Alternatively race in national race-walking/combined events competitions.
6. Race in the above, the Northerns/Southerns/Midlands or major open meetings like the Birmingham Games and UK Cross Challenge races and perhaps draw an international figure for a great start-line (let's face it, not the finish line) photo and a name to drop in the future when you're sat at home eating Pringles and watching the Olympics on telly.
1. If someone asks for where you are ranked in the country, quote your English ranking instead of your UK one for an instant position hike. You can find out this ranking (and many more) by logging in on the Power of 10 rankings page, or instantly on the TOPS site.
2. Compete in one of many events of varying obscurity. These can be either standard ones like 400m hurdles (of course), steeplechase, pole vault or hammer - mop up those county titles - or non-standard race distances like 300m, 600m or similar. My personal favourite is the 200m hurdles, probably run three or four times a year, followed by the double decathlon (Google it).
3. Race indoors. As a rule of thumb, your UK indoor ranking for a given performance is roughly one order of magnitude better than it would have been had you run the same time outdoors.
4. Why not combine points 2 and 3 and run a rarely-raced distance indoors? National top-ten glory surely awaits.
5. Race in Welsh/Scottish/Irish championships (they're usually open) for a boost to your national champs credentials - and say you've raced in another country as a bonus. Alternatively race in national race-walking/combined events competitions.
6. Race in the above, the Northerns/Southerns/Midlands or major open meetings like the Birmingham Games and UK Cross Challenge races and perhaps draw an international figure for a great start-line (let's face it, not the finish line) photo and a name to drop in the future when you're sat at home eating Pringles and watching the Olympics on telly.
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Ranthology #2 - The Wonderful English Language
Classified ads are a great place to find people taking liberties with language. People always talk about having a 'Genuine reason for sale'. As opposed to what, an artificial reason? I don't want to be buying a car, ask why it is being sold and have the man go, 'Well, next week I'm moving to Kazakhstan with Dame Kelly Holmes and our 16 illegitimate children. I don't need the car; we're riding there on a cart pulled by Red Rum and Shergar'.
The problem with those adverts is that you have a limited number of words, so short, familiar phrases like this are used. These limitations causes further problems. The best advert I ever saw was in a cycling magazine. I think it was advertising a bike, although it could have been the Virgin Mary. It started off alright, a couple of lines describing the bike. Then it said, 'Genuine reason for sale. Never ridden, wife is pregnant'.
I rang him up anyway, because I was interested in buying a bike. He said 'have you got anywhere to put it?' - I said 'Well I've got room in the stable, I suppose'.
It frightens me just how many uses of the word 'fuck' there somehow happens to be. But how is it actually possible to 'shut the fuck up?' What, exactly, is the 'fuck' in this context? It could only be some sort of German suitcase manufacturer I've never heard of. As in:
'Right, darling, so I've packed the clothes, the suncream and the travellers' cheques. What should I do now?'
'Oh, just shut the fuck up, will you?!'
'Okay, done that, now what?'
'Now get the fuck out of here!'
That could work, I guess.
People go on about how friends, couples and partners apparently get on 'like a house on fire'. Well excuse me. I've watched the news - I've seen houses on fire. I happen to know that's not an experience you'd be happy to replicate. It doesn't work the other way round though. People don't go, 'Well, my house burnt down like a very cute couple'.
I suppose its something about the metaphorical 'heat' or 'sparks' that two people experience when they are together.
Anyway, I knew a guy who was going out with this quite wonderful girl who people said that about, and I was really, really jealous of him. Even I joined in however, saying that they were just like a house on fire. And I suppose I was right to say so, because she was hot and he asphyxiated to death in his sleep.
The court case hasn't come up yet and anyway, I have an alibi.
The problem with those adverts is that you have a limited number of words, so short, familiar phrases like this are used. These limitations causes further problems. The best advert I ever saw was in a cycling magazine. I think it was advertising a bike, although it could have been the Virgin Mary. It started off alright, a couple of lines describing the bike. Then it said, 'Genuine reason for sale. Never ridden, wife is pregnant'.
I rang him up anyway, because I was interested in buying a bike. He said 'have you got anywhere to put it?' - I said 'Well I've got room in the stable, I suppose'.
It frightens me just how many uses of the word 'fuck' there somehow happens to be. But how is it actually possible to 'shut the fuck up?' What, exactly, is the 'fuck' in this context? It could only be some sort of German suitcase manufacturer I've never heard of. As in:
'Right, darling, so I've packed the clothes, the suncream and the travellers' cheques. What should I do now?'
'Oh, just shut the fuck up, will you?!'
'Okay, done that, now what?'
'Now get the fuck out of here!'
That could work, I guess.
People go on about how friends, couples and partners apparently get on 'like a house on fire'. Well excuse me. I've watched the news - I've seen houses on fire. I happen to know that's not an experience you'd be happy to replicate. It doesn't work the other way round though. People don't go, 'Well, my house burnt down like a very cute couple'.
I suppose its something about the metaphorical 'heat' or 'sparks' that two people experience when they are together.
Anyway, I knew a guy who was going out with this quite wonderful girl who people said that about, and I was really, really jealous of him. Even I joined in however, saying that they were just like a house on fire. And I suppose I was right to say so, because she was hot and he asphyxiated to death in his sleep.
The court case hasn't come up yet and anyway, I have an alibi.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Ranthology #1 - Standards.
I hate how people abbreviate TV programmes to just one word. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is just 'Millionaire', Coronation Street is just 'Corrie', Strictly Come Dancing is just...bollocks.
It is though.
The one that irritates me the most though is Deal or no Deal. Just four short words and you can't be arsed even with those? So people shorten it to just 'Deal'. Even the continuity announcer on Channel 4 does it:
'Now on Channel 4, it's time for Deal'.
This confused me the first time I heard it, because I thought they'd just changed the rules.
Sort of, '22 boxes, a quarter of a million pounds, just one question. 'Deal?'
That seems like an unnecessarily harsh version of the programme, I mean I know there's a credit crunch on and all, but...That's not even the same show anymore, just Noel Edmonds going, 'Right, we're going to give you a tenner, and you can take it and you can fuck off. - go on, get out of here'.
The same drop in standards can be seen everywhere. Even in supermarkets. You go into Tesco now and you're supposed to do your own checkouts. That's bad enough, but they also expect you to take your own bags every time you go shopping - and you should, by the way.
These things wouldn't be so bad on their own, but put them together and it causes problems. Typical scenario:
You go into Tesco - with your bags - pick up a basket and go round the shop putting stuff into the basket. You come to the checkouts, you put your basket on one side, put your bags on the other side, put your stuff through the scanner. You're just about to put the first item into your bag and the machine does this:
'Unexpected item in bagging area. Unexpected item in bagging area.'
And you find yourself going - UNEXPECTED? IT'S A BAG! IT'S A BAG, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I mean, of all the things you would expect to find, in a bagging area, I'd have thought that a bag would be pretty high up on the list. If you'd had said to me you'd put a traffic cone on there, maybe, I don't know, the head of a crocodile and Barack Obama's left testicle, then yeah, I'd have said that was unexpected as well.
It'd also be a bit...weird. For one thing, how did they scan through?
It's fine though, because I've started getting my own back on them. You know how, each time you shop and re-use a bag, you get a Clubcard point? Well, that's really worked out for me, because I now do all of my shopping one item at a time. I now have enough Clubcard points to actually buy Tesco, which is nice.
It is though.
The one that irritates me the most though is Deal or no Deal. Just four short words and you can't be arsed even with those? So people shorten it to just 'Deal'. Even the continuity announcer on Channel 4 does it:
'Now on Channel 4, it's time for Deal'.
This confused me the first time I heard it, because I thought they'd just changed the rules.
Sort of, '22 boxes, a quarter of a million pounds, just one question. 'Deal?'
That seems like an unnecessarily harsh version of the programme, I mean I know there's a credit crunch on and all, but...That's not even the same show anymore, just Noel Edmonds going, 'Right, we're going to give you a tenner, and you can take it and you can fuck off. - go on, get out of here'.
The same drop in standards can be seen everywhere. Even in supermarkets. You go into Tesco now and you're supposed to do your own checkouts. That's bad enough, but they also expect you to take your own bags every time you go shopping - and you should, by the way.
These things wouldn't be so bad on their own, but put them together and it causes problems. Typical scenario:
You go into Tesco - with your bags - pick up a basket and go round the shop putting stuff into the basket. You come to the checkouts, you put your basket on one side, put your bags on the other side, put your stuff through the scanner. You're just about to put the first item into your bag and the machine does this:
'Unexpected item in bagging area. Unexpected item in bagging area.'
And you find yourself going - UNEXPECTED? IT'S A BAG! IT'S A BAG, FOR GOD'S SAKE.
I mean, of all the things you would expect to find, in a bagging area, I'd have thought that a bag would be pretty high up on the list. If you'd had said to me you'd put a traffic cone on there, maybe, I don't know, the head of a crocodile and Barack Obama's left testicle, then yeah, I'd have said that was unexpected as well.
It'd also be a bit...weird. For one thing, how did they scan through?
It's fine though, because I've started getting my own back on them. You know how, each time you shop and re-use a bag, you get a Clubcard point? Well, that's really worked out for me, because I now do all of my shopping one item at a time. I now have enough Clubcard points to actually buy Tesco, which is nice.
Saturday, 31 October 2009
Grammatics - Double Negative
Oh shit. I didn't want to do this. It looks I'm going to be forced to say that Grammatics' new single is a little bit...sassy.
I hate myself. Really I do. It is a phrase mostly applied to lowest-common-denominator chav-'n'-b that dominates the top 40.
But the way that minimalistic intro shuffles into view, a simple vocal melody leading into a bass-oriented verse, provides a platform for singer Owen to flex his silky vocal chords in a slightly sultry fashion. Lyrics about 'heavenly letting go' and 'we could do somethine we'd never desired to try'. Oo er. Thankfully, however, no Grammatics song ever goes from A to B without passing X, Y, μ, γ and π on the way. The chorus lifts the song up another hip-swinging gear, with its 'Hey sugar!' line at once a surprise and a highlight, before taking a solid lurch to the left(field) - not the band - with a sprawling middle eight section (that seems to end up as a second, independent chorus). Oh how I struggle trying to apply conventional pop song structures to a track like this. Here the band explore the dreamier, more expansive side of their soundscape, coming over like a dancier Mew, as guitar and cello once again resume their uneasy but devastatingly effective marriage.
The thunderous drum pattern (which will probably draw more unfavourable - and entirely wrong - Foals comparisons) which underpins the entire song gets star billing for a moment towards the end before another blast of that second chorus. The drums on this record have been captured brilliantly, prominent in the mix and sounding full enough to almost appear as if the band are actually live on your stereo.
Grammatics remain a classic Marmite band (another bloody phrase I hate myself for using); albeit a Marmite which few have been exposed to yet. This is 'pop' music crafted the way it should be. This is not a song to drift by in the background. It is fresh, exciting and just a little bit different. Give it a try, you might have found your new favourite band.
9/10
'Double Negative' is available on 7" vinyl and download. A clip is available to stream on their website or their MySpace.
I hate myself. Really I do. It is a phrase mostly applied to lowest-common-denominator chav-'n'-b that dominates the top 40.
But the way that minimalistic intro shuffles into view, a simple vocal melody leading into a bass-oriented verse, provides a platform for singer Owen to flex his silky vocal chords in a slightly sultry fashion. Lyrics about 'heavenly letting go' and 'we could do somethine we'd never desired to try'. Oo er. Thankfully, however, no Grammatics song ever goes from A to B without passing X, Y, μ, γ and π on the way. The chorus lifts the song up another hip-swinging gear, with its 'Hey sugar!' line at once a surprise and a highlight, before taking a solid lurch to the left(field) - not the band - with a sprawling middle eight section (that seems to end up as a second, independent chorus). Oh how I struggle trying to apply conventional pop song structures to a track like this. Here the band explore the dreamier, more expansive side of their soundscape, coming over like a dancier Mew, as guitar and cello once again resume their uneasy but devastatingly effective marriage.
The thunderous drum pattern (which will probably draw more unfavourable - and entirely wrong - Foals comparisons) which underpins the entire song gets star billing for a moment towards the end before another blast of that second chorus. The drums on this record have been captured brilliantly, prominent in the mix and sounding full enough to almost appear as if the band are actually live on your stereo.
Grammatics remain a classic Marmite band (another bloody phrase I hate myself for using); albeit a Marmite which few have been exposed to yet. This is 'pop' music crafted the way it should be. This is not a song to drift by in the background. It is fresh, exciting and just a little bit different. Give it a try, you might have found your new favourite band.
9/10
'Double Negative' is available on 7" vinyl and download. A clip is available to stream on their website or their MySpace.
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